The English language is collapsing into "Idiocracy" gobbledygook on liberal college campuses as "gender pronoun" lunacy kicks into overdrive

Image: The English language is collapsing into “Idiocracy” gobbledygook on liberal college campuses as “gender pronoun” lunacy kicks into overdrive

(Natural News)
The first known college to do so, the City University of New York (CUNY) – Guttmana, located in New York City, recently distributed and has been actively propagating a “Gender Identity and Pronouns” manifesto that instructs students and faculty on how to further bastardize the English language by replacing its traditional gender pronouns with completely made-up ones that reflect a litany of modern-day “gender identities.”

The official school-sanctioned document openly declares that individuals “choose their own gender identities,” meaning they’re no longer assigned based on biological sex. Consequently, it’s now the responsibility of every normal person in the world to probe which ones are “appropriate” to use when addressing others who choose to be gender “neutral,” or who “reject the gender binary.”

According to PJ Media, which spoke with the school about the situation, students at CUNY – Guttman are being encouraged to ask every person they meet which pronouns they prefer. Included as gender pronoun options are strange, non-words like “zim,” “ver,” and “emself,” as well as “ter,” “tem,” and “eirs.”

Normal people who accept normal gender pronouns like he and she, the manifesto says, have a “privilege” that people who reject normal gender pronouns do not. Normal people don’t “have to worry about which pronouns someone is going to use,” as determining which one to use is a simple as looking at the person to see if they’re male or female.

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“If you have this privilege yet fail to respect someone else’s gender identity, it is not only disrespectful and hurtful but also oppressive,” the manifesto adds.

Students and faculty at CUNY’s Manhattan campus have been forced to endure gender pronoun madness for over a year now

While this gender pronoun insanity has been around for several years now, what’s taking place at CUNY – Guttman represents the first time that a school is actively forcing it upon students and faculty members.

While other schools like Bryn Mawr College and Kennesaw State University have similar gender pronoun guides available on their websites, none of them, as far as we know, are actively circulating and integrating them into their campus cultures.

But things are different at CUNY – Guttman, where faculty members like Bruce Lyons, a school spokesman, believes that forcing people to use made-up gender pronouns is an appropriate way for everyone to show respect to the LGBTQ+ community.

“Pronoun usage is a basic way to respect one’s identity,” he reportedly told PJ Media, adding that students “can opt into one of the trainings that are held throughout the year that do discuss the importance of correct pronoun usage, and other important information, to support oneself becoming a better ally and support to members of the LGBTQ community.”

But there isn’t even a set standard for which gender pronouns are “acceptable,” and which one’s aren’t, because they seem to change with the wind, as new ones seem to pop up on the regular. At Bryn Mawr, for instance, the gender pronouns guide contains words like “co” and “kit” that aren’t included in CUNY – Guttman’s guide.

This suggests that not only are normal people now expected to learn a litany of made-up gender pronouns in order to pacify the feelings of the mentally ill, but they’re also expected to learn completely different varieties of gender pronouns depending on the campus or environment where they’re interacting with others.

It’s enough to make even normal people go completely mad trying to figure it all out, and yet this is precisely what seems to constitute “higher education” in America today.

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Connecticut To Give Its Electoral College Votes To National Popular Vote Victor

Connecticut’s legislature has passed a bill that would give the state’s Electoral College votes to the presidential candidate who wins the popular vote nationally.

The state Senate voted 21-14 on Saturday to join the National Popular Vote Interstate Compact, which includes 10 states and the District of Columbia. The state House passed the measure last week, 77 to 73.

The compact requires its members to cast their Electoral College ballots for the presidential candidate who wins the national popular vote. The agreement goes into effect once states representing at least 270 electoral votes — the number needed for a candidate to win the presidency — signs the compact.

Connecticut Gov. Dannel Malloy (D) has promised to sign the legislation committing his state to the interstate agreement. Once he does so, the compact will have 172 electoral votes. California, Hawaii, Illinois, Massachusetts, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island, Vermont, Washington and the District of Columbia have already signed the accord.

Malloy has described the current Electoral College voting system as “fundamentally unfair.”

“With the exception of the presidency, every elected office in the country, from city council, to United States senator, to governor, is awarded the candidate who receives the most votes,” the governor said, according to the Connecticut Mirror. “The vote of every American citizen should count equally, yet under the current system, voters from sparsely populated states are awarded significantly more power than those from states like Connecticut.”

In the 2016 presidential election, Donald Trump lost the popular vote by almost 3 million ballots, but won the electoral vote 304 to 227, thus clinching the presidency.

According to The Associated Press, Connecticut ― which cast its seven electoral votes for Hillary Clinton in 2016 ― will be the first state to join the National Popular Vote agreement since Trump’s victory. 

State Rep. Matthew Lesser (D) said it’s taken a decade of lobbying to convince Connecticut lawmakers to join the compact. 

Trump’s victory, Lesser told AP,  appears to have given the issue “some renewed momentum.” 

  • This article originally appeared on HuffPost.

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Outrage After Celebrating Black Graduates Are Yanked Off College's Stage

A day of joy and celebration spurred complaints of racism after a college graduation marshal pushed and propelled several black students off the commencement ceremony’s stage, prompting an apology from the school.

The University of Florida graduates were walking across the stage on Saturday after their names had been called out when they took a moment to revel in their accomplishments while featured on the arena’s jumbotron.

Videos taken at the ceremony show each individual performing a roughly three-second dance or wave before they were grabbed by a white man wearing a ceremonial robe and forced out of the jumbotron camera’s view.

Nafeesah Attah, a graduate who said she was grabbed by the marshal, told HuffPost Sunday night that the experience left her “disappointed.”

“I had family fly all the way in from London and they didn’t want to see that,” Attah wrote in a message. “It definitely was a race thing because other students were doing backflips and received no repercussions because they were white. Only the black students were contacted.

She added: “I’m disappointed in my university’s response. Too little, too late.”

The videos posted on social media ignited an immediate uproar as people accused the man of specifically manhandling the black graduates.

University President W. Kent Fuchs, who attended the ceremony, released a statement on Sunday that apologized and called the behavior “inappropriately aggressive.”

“I personally apologize, and am reaching out to the students involved,” he said in a Twitter post. “The practice has been halted for all future ceremonies, and we will work to make sure all graduating students know we are proud of their achievements and celebrate with them their graduation.”

The university also released a statement saying it “regrets that any celebration of the day may have been diminished” by the incidents.

This article has been updated to include comments from graduate Nafeesah Attah.

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  • This article originally appeared on HuffPost.

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Starvation Issues in Universities? The Real College Problem Is Obesity

Starvation might be stalking among college students, according to shocking headlines in Newsweek and elsewhere, and The Washington Post warns of “The hidden crisis on college campuses.”

In reality, last week’s report from Temple University and Wisconsin HOPE Lab is typical of the baloney that spawns policy hysteria nowadays.

Temple University/HOPE researchers assert that 36% of four-year college students and 42% of community college students are “food insecure” — a vaporous term beloved by pro-welfare advocates.

This analysis is modeled on the Department of Agriculture’s annual Food Security survey. USDA is emphatic that its survey does not measure hunger, but that neonsize warning sign was ignored by this study (titled “Still Hungry and Homeless in College”).

Temple/HOPE respondents were asked questions such as whether they feared “food would run out before I got money to buy more,” or “Did you ever eat less than you felt you should because there wasn’t enough money for food?” Redefining hunger as abstaining from second servings makes for a push-button crisis.

The study asserts that 26% of students with a college meal plan are “food insecure.” Did they oversleep and miss breakfast?

Half the respondents who received Pell grants ($26.6 billion for 7 million low-income students in 2016) were labeled “food insecure.”

This study offers no clues on what happened to that largesse — or to the other $100 billion in federal assistance provided to college students in 2016. Apparently, no matter how many handouts government provides, students still cannot be expected or trusted to feed themselves.

Some findings should have triggered the “dumpster data” alarm. Temple/HOPE “found that homosexual students were at much greater risk of basic needs insecurity than heterosexual students, but that bisexual students were at the highest risk.” More than 10% of the respondents from four-year colleges labeled themselves “bisexual,” and half of bisexual students allegedly go hungry.

Are they too busy cavorting with both genders to eat, or what? If there were a national conspiracy to starve bisexuals, we would’ve heard about it before now.

College students are supposedly three times more likely to be “food insecure” than other Americans. But the survey response rate was less than 10%, and responders were self-selected and enticed by the chance to win $100 prizes for spending a few minutes filling out an online form.

Survey results were also skewed because females were far more likely to respond than males (70% vs. 27% of respondents, with 3% “non-binary”), and they are more “food insecure” than male students (37% vs. 28%). But female college students spend an average of 10 hours a day on their cellphones, according to a 2014 study. Maybe turn off the phone and microwave some oatmeal?

In lieu of this statistical charade, far more solid data exist on college students’ health and diets. Rather than being perpetually famished, 70% of college students gain weight during their undergrad years.

Posted from LewRockwell.Com

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In latest left-wing totalitarianism insult, college groups must now apply for "permission" to exist as gender-specific organizations

Image: In latest left-wing totalitarianism insult, college groups must now apply for “permission” to exist as gender-specific organizations

(Natural News)
New policies recently enacted at the University of Rochester in New York will reportedly penalize gender-specific campus organizations that have long existed for the enrichment and growth of one exclusive biological sex, which includes groups like fraternities and sororities, as well as male and female sports teams.

According to reports, beginning in the fall of 2019, all gender-specific groups at the relatively small, private college will be required to undergo a laborious and burdensome annual waiver process in order to gain “permission” to continue existing from year to year – which is similarly occurring at Harvard University.

An announcement by the University of Rochester’s Student Association Senate that was put forth on March 25, 2018, explains using rhetorical acrobatics the rationale behind this blatant affront to biological normalcy and the natural human desire to congregate with others of the same sex for personal growth and other purposes.

“We recognize that certain organizations have eligibility requirements based on gender that are either required in order to comply with national policies, provide opportunities to participate in certain competitive leagues, or are otherwise deemed essential to the mission of the organization,” the announcement states.

“We recognize the harm that these gender-exclusive policies can have on members of the transgender, nonbinary, and gender-variant communities, and that these students do not currently have the same access as others to the opportunities and resources that these gender-exclusive organizations provide.”

In other words, gender-confused and other mentally-ill students who attend the University of Rochester – who are already protected by New York State’s official recognition of some 31 different genders, which include things like “hijra pangender,” “two spirit,” and “gender gifted,” it’s important to note – now want to rip apart even more of the social fabric of academia by forcing everyone to cater to their perversions.

Biological males and females need to stand together and FIGHT this aggressive war by the left against their very existence

Or it could simply be that a few disgruntled individuals who didn’t make the cut into certain gender-specific campus organizations for other reasons are now trying to wreak havoc and destroy them. That’s what one individual reportedly told LifeZette during a Facebook Chat about the matter, which has escalated to the point of utter insanity.

“The whole debacle started with one guy who tried to get into a fraternity, but never did, and ever since then, has been trying to shut down fraternities,” says Anthony Pericolo, vice president of one of the fraternities on campus who believes that the impetus behind this latest persecution of gender normalcy started with one person’s ire against male fraternization.

“Just before graduation last year, he ‘sued’ fraternities through the student government judicial branch, which led to the decision that single-gender organizations cause ‘direct harm’ to transgender and nonbinary students. While I speak from a perspective of fraternities, it’s important to note that a cappella groups and sports are also affected.”

And what will happen if fraternities, sororities, and other gender-specific student groups refuse to comply with the new rules? They face losing their accreditation status from the school, and possibly other restrictions such as loss of recruitment or the inability to hold events and other gatherings. In other words, they will basically be shut down and removed from campus.

“Sports teams and a cappella groups are funded through the school, so they will not only lose their funding, but they will cease to be recognized as an official organization and be prohibited from travel,” Pericolo added.

Pericolo was also pointed in emphasizing that sports teams, Greek life, acapella choirs, and other gender-specific groups exist for “a reason,” and that they are under massive assault by “an extremely loud, vocal minority,” to which the University of Rochester is apparently capitulating.

Read more news on gender manipulation by the fact-hating Left at

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NPR Journalist and Catholic College Graduate Botches Description of Easter

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College Students Rush Into Burning Building To Save Trapped 90-year-old Man

By  Amanda Froelich Truth Theory

Individually, we may not be able to change the world. But every now and again, we can do something that changes the world for at least one person. A group of college students at Rutgers University-Camden learned this last Friday.

After a relaxing evening of paying video games and socializing, two of six students decided to head home. The time was about midnight, and there was a stillness in the air… until they looked down the street and saw that a duplex had caught fire. Even worse, no one was running out of the building.

As the Philadelphia Inquirer reports, the two students, Tammy Meneses and Vanessa Solis-Palma, quickly informed their friends of the fire. What happened next “went from zero to 100 really quick,” said Meneses. All six friends rushed down the street, yelling and banging on doors. By rattling fences and yelling that there was a fire, they hoped to alert neighbors.

While Corey Zytko alerted a nearby campus security officer Solis-Palma dialed 911. Meanwhile, 21-year-old Matteo Resanovic ran inside. After punching through the glass in the building’s front door, he unlocked it and charged inside. “I wasn’t really thinking. I just broke the front door glass,” he said.

Solis-Palma joined him. Within minutes, they came across a 90-year-old man who had been sleeping in his bedroom on the second floor. The students guided him downstairs and onto the sidewalk. The students waited with the man until firefighters arrived. Within 30 minutes, the blaze was contained. As GoodNewsNetwork reports, the students left immediately afterward.

Once school officials learned of the good deed, a search was conducted to find the heroic students. Reportedly, the students were hesitant to come forward. But once their names were made public, Zytko said: “Fire 101. You’re taught as a kid get everyone out of the building, knock on all the doors. I was just going with it.”

Unfortunately, not everyone survived the fire. The unnamed elderly man stood on the curb of the road, shivering from the cold. “Where’s my son?” he asked. Resanovic says he went inside one more time to look for the man’s son. “I went to the third floor and saw the room was just engulfed. I yelled a couple of times and didn’t hear anything. I thought it would be better not to open that door,” he said.

According to Camden City officials, the 63-year-old son was found dead in a back bedroom on the third floor. The elderly man’s wife was not home at the time of the fire. Still, the students are being applauded for their willingness to charge into the fire, and their successful rescue of the 90-year-old invidiaul.

Said Mary Beth Daisey, vice chancellor of student affairs at Rutgers-Camden: “I think it was really amazing that they considered the community and other people and their safety over themselves.”

What are your thoughts? Please comment below and share this news!


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Basketball Great Compares College Hoops to Slavery; ‘Journalist’ Agrees

College basketball players from Michigan, California, LSU and other schools took an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii to roam the beaches and play in the 2017 Maui Classic, while the University of Georgia and Oklahoma football teams got wined and dined at this year’s Rose Bowl. They are merely slaves enduring a racist system that won’t pay them, says basketball Hall of Famer Spencer Haywood (in photo). He was given a large internet forum to advocate for socialism and a redistribution of wealth by Sean Deveney of The Sporting News.

Plenty of athletes, former athletes and media are waging the present pay-for-play debate, but few use rhetoric as inflammatory as that coming from Deveney-Haywood. Haywood, 68, is a very wealthy man who led the USA to the 1968 Olympic Gold Medal on his way to a fantastic pro basketball career. He also won a lawsuit against the NCAA so he could turn pro before graduating from college, opening the way for the one-and-done jocks:

“They [the NCAA]  just got a contract from CBS (and TNT), $8.8 billion, and if you are making that, I think you have to share some revenue. You can’t expect people to continue to work for nothing on a false hope of, well this is about education, we are getting you an education, we will feed you. It sounds a little like 400 years ago, like slavery. Stay in your hut. Stay in that little house. We’ll give you some food. You do all of the work. All of it. And I am telling you that I will take care of you.”

Deveney totally agreed with Haywood’s reckless statement and wrote, “He has ample reason to see what’s going on in basketball these days … As a black man who grew up the son of indentured sharecroppers in Mississippi before moving to Detroit to further his basketball career, he sees parallels between his time in the old South and the way big-time basketball operates.”

“But let’s think about it,” Haywood said. “If you have 11 blacks on your team and you are say, in Kentucky, and they’re creating all this wealth but not getting paid? It does have a tinge of slavery.

“It is what it is. It is very racist because they’re not helping the communities where those kids come from, Chicago and Detroit and so on.”

A reporter with an ounce of objectivity would have said, “Come on, Spencer! You can’t be serious!” Deveney, on the other hand, just ate it all up, including this:

“It sounds like my life in Mississippi. And I will just use myself as an example. We picked all of the cotton, from sunup to sundown. We did all of the work that had to be done on the farm, chopping cotton, planting cotton, tilling the soil — all of this work. We were making so little money that we could not survive. We would go to the big boss and say, ‘Hey can we borrow $50 so we can celebrate Christmas?’ The birth of our Lord and Savior. Then we had to pay that $50 back all year long. We were relegated to that same system, we couldn’t leave, we couldn’t leave that farm.”

Deveney raved that “Haywood’s credentials on the subject, of course, are well-established,” and added: “So Haywood looks at the NCAA system with a cold eye. He sees the offer of free schooling and room-and-board as the only payment for players who generate billions for their colleges as a hollow promise. He sees penalties for collegians who want to transfer — combined with the riches schools pay to coaches who are free to leave at their own whims — as the height of hypocrisy.”

College athletes clearly don’t agree with Haywood and Deveney. They’re still gladly signing letters of intent to gain a free college education in exchange for spots on the varsity teams. What’s really hollow is Deveney’s brand of “journalism lite.”

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Seattle Mayor’s plan for free college: No US citizenship or minimum GPA required

FOTM–From Seattle TimesOne of Seattle Mayor Jenny Durkan’s top goals is to make community college free for every Seattle high-school graduate, and last week, she rolled out a program that would do so over several years.

The plan, which would likely work in concert with College Bound and other state and federal aid programs, would pay for two years of community college for every Seattle public high-school graduate. It will not have an income or GPA cutoff, nor does it require students to sign up years in advance or exclude students who have gotten into legal trouble.

Her proposal coincides with a new report by a progressive think tankThe Century Foundation, that examines the success of so-called “promise” programs — which guarantee to pay tuition for graduates of a state’s high school — and details those elements that lead to a high success rate.

Author Jennifer Mishory, a Century Foundation senior fellow, says simple plans tend to work best. Plans that have fewer restrictions tend to attract more students. “The clearer the message, the easier it is to understand for students who might not otherwise enroll,” she said.

Mishory already counts Washington as one of the 16 “promise” states, although the program is far from simple. Washington’s College Bound program pays college tuition and fees for students who are low-income, sign up by eighth grade, maintain at least a C average and don’t get into legal trouble. It’s good for both two- and four-year colleges.

Durkan’s plan represents the expansion of an idea first launched in 2008. Called the 13th Year, it began as a partnership between Cleveland High School and South Seattle College and guaranteed every graduate a year at the college tuition free. It was funded by private donations.

No US Citizenship Required: Durkan’s proposal would also be open to all students regardless of citizenship status. That’s true as well for the State Need Grant. And this session, the Legislature passed a bill expanding College Bound to include students who have Deferred Action for Childhood Arrival (DACA) status, known as dreamers.

The Cost: Durkan’s office estimates the expansion will cost $1.7 million in 2018-19, and will serve about 1,000 high-school and college students, including outreach and college preparation services. About 215 students will receive 13th-year scholarships, and an estimated 120 students will be eligible to receive 14th-year scholarships. The money will come from the city’s general fund, the sweetened-beverage tax and the Seattle Colleges.

As more students take advantage of the program, the costs will increase — to $4.4 million in 2019-20, $5.7 million in 2020-21 and $6.3 million in 2021-22.

Read the whole story here.

About the progressive think tank, The Century Foundation (TCF), whose report was cited in this article:

  • “The Century Foundation is a progressive, nonpartisan think tank that seeks to foster opportunity, reduce inequality, and promote security at home and abroad.”
  • Mark Zuckerman, President of TCF: Mark served in the Obama White House as the deputy director of the Domestic Policy Council, leading teams on key initiatives, including reducing student debt, increasing accountability at for-profit educational institutions, reducing workplace discrimination, increasing wages for home health care workers, and expanding access to job training. Prior to that, as staff director of the House Education and Labor Committee, he helped win passage of landmark legislation such as the Affordable Care Act; the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act; the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act; and the Student Aid and Fiscal Responsibility Act.
  • Melissa “break through our private idea that kids belong to their parents” Harris-Perry is an advisor to the foundation.

And take a wild guess as to who also has ties to TCF…

  • Richard Leone, former president of TCF (1989-2011), was a member of the board of directors of Center for American Progress (CAP). CAP is the think tank conceived by George Soros and headed by former Clinton chief of staff John Podesta.
  • In 2005, TCF and CAP launched the Security and Peace institute (SPI). The SPI “will build on the work of both of its parent organizations by promoting a shared foreign policy agenda for the United States and its international partners.”
  • The director of the SPI was Morton H. Halperin, a senior advisor to George Soros’ Open Society Foundations.

If this free college plan is something that Soros and Company are pushing, you know the message is clear: promote progressive ideology and policies at any cost to taxpayers.

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Why A Schizophrenic Hobo Is More Qualified To Teach Your Kids Than Most College Administrators Are

Puppy therapy. My law school has puppy therapy. Let me slow it down for you. Puppy. Therapy. Let that sink in.

A professional legal educational institution is spending money to bring in puppies for grown adults — future litigators, future trial lawyers, people who are someday going to try rape and murder cases — so they can rub Fido and Spike’s furry little tummies and giggle while they piddle on the rug.

Just to be clear, the puppies are the ones who are piddling on the rug.

Where do these ideas even come from? It’s hard to say, since to interpret the prattling double-talk of college administrators is to dive into a configuration of disjointed jargon, PR buzzwords, and plain old-fashioned idiocy that would befuddle even the finest obfuscators the academic world has on offer. If I’m looking up Orwell’s Principles of Newspeak just to try and get a grip on what So-and-So University’s HR department is spouting on about, then there’s trouble.

Take, for instance, Elizabeth Carlin Metz’s defense of a decision by Knox College to pull a play “about a Chinese sex worker who seeks to do ‘good deeds,’” because it’s supposed to be … I don’t know, racist, sexist, orientalist? Whatever the hell the latest rationale for colleges’ soft-bellied superation of artistic freedom is this week.

I’m sure the play wasn’t exactly “Boule de Suif,” but when I hear about some doltish functionary censoring a staged performance about a virtuous harlot-with-a-heart-of-gold, I turn indignant and immediately have two thoughts. First, by what right does Metz suppress Knox students’ tale of licentious life lessons imparted by an Eastern practitioner of the world’s oldest profession? And more importantly, can someone please send me a copy of the script with an accompanying set of illustrations? For educational purposes, of course. The fille de joie narrative is an area of academic interest for me.

Metz goes on to continually light the fires of her intellect, a flame which ignites the fuses of epiphanous smart-bombs that blow brilliance-shrapnel all over the minefield of education.

“I believe that academia needs continually to be vigilant about the shifting nuances in addressing sensitive texts,” she says. “I think we must put them in our syllabi and on our stages so that we can interrogate our assumptions … We need to acknowledge privilege in all sectors and the inherent bias that ensues. And we all need to listen.”

What is she really saying here?

Ensuing bias, huh? Sectors, even? Metz the malapropism machine is like a duller version of Yogi Berra, which is, really … it’s really saying something. Three tiers of idiocy! In hockey, that’s called a “hat trick.” In academia, they’ve taken to calling such triplicated moronic displays as “tenure-track positions.”

My daughter, bless her heart, spends our morning taxi run to her middle-school narrating to me blow-by-blow recaps of some YouTube star’s blow-by-blow recaps of a video game that is itself a blow-by-blow recap of World War II. But being thoughtless and derivative is okay for kids. And I’m not so worried anyway, because kiddo is never going to be in HR — we told her she can either go to engineering school or live in a sack. I showed her the sack. I keep the sack with me and wave it in front of her when she gets B’s. The sack and I are one. I think she believes me.

But in Metz’s case, it’s not child-like ignorance, but administrative double-speak. Frankly, I know of a schizophrenic hobo who can communicate more coherently than Metz here.

I don’t go to the theatre too much anymore — all that time I spent in singlehood standing in line at TKTS now goes to morning-time waffle-making for the kids, and the money goes to … well, I’m not sure where it goes, but it goes. But if someone were to ask me “hey, what kind of play do you want to go see?,” I’d probably answer “anything about Chinese sex workers.” (Don’t ask.)

Either that or a musical drama called Rock ‘n’ Roll McDonalds about the schizophrenic hobo Wesley Willis, who wrote songs about trans-fat filled junk food and who tagged the end of every song with a corporate catchphrase:

Spider-Man messed with my girlfriend

Spider-Man wrapped his arms around her with my bedroom door closed

Suddenly, I opened the bedroom door on Spider-Man’s sneaky ass

I caught him kissing my girlfriend and beat him to a pulp with a rubber hose

Napa, it’s the parts store

And you know what? Silly as it may sound, I would rather have Wesley Willis teaching my kids than Elizabeth Metz. Willis was a newspaper-blanket-on-a-grate, profanity-spewing, clinically-diagnosed, I-see-a-giraffe-wearing-a-pith-helmet-and-waving-pom-poms-while-singing-Neil-Diamond’s-Sweet-Caroline schizophrenic whose greatest treasures were most likely voucher coupons for double cheeseburgers and the half-broken Casio keyboard from K-mart he used to write his crazy-pants tunes.

That guy.

Whatever the man’s faults, Wesley’s lyrics have a picturesque clarity to them; a clarity which can even be instructive in directing Metz away from her clumsy mangling of the English language. Some examples:

My demon racks me with profanity

My demon tells me lies and says I’m a jerk, a bum and an asshole

My demon keeps me from joy bus riding by torturing me

Kinko’s, it’s the copy center

Willis wrote several other, let’s say, unconventional songs. But they’re all clearly written. Crystal clear. Sometimes too clear. I can promise you that in listening to “I’m Sorry That I Got Fat,” you won’t be confused about the song’s message. Just so with “Cut the Mullet,” “Retard Bus,” “Shoot Me with a Gun, and “They Threw Me Out of Church.” Listen to any one of those songs and, like them or not, you know what they’re about.

There are few things as frustrating as people who can’t shoot straight. But what compounds this aggravating indirection is the sublayer of dreck that directly contradicts what college administrators say. This voluntary prevarication is one exercised by Metz, but certainly not by Willis.

There’s a benefit to clear language — it lets you know exactly where you stand when you’re facing down both friends and foes. There’s an honorable frankness that allows the terms of combat to be simply understood by everyone involved.

And you know what? Even a crazy homeless guy could tell you that.

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